You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
