We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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