I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
