apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize