When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
