just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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