I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
