I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
