my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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