i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
