You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So vagazzling was a success
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
