does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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