they need to just BURY HIM!
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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