Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
