i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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