The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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