My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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