Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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