I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I looked at my own cervix.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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