I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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