I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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