you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
