I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
