Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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