Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
