There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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