There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
