Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
