Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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