Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
