She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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