Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
