my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
