I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize