I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip ๐๐๐
Your skills amaze me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Heโs exactly what Iโm looking for: heโs got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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