strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
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