Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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