You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
