I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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