I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
