i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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