I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
