i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
