my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
