I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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