I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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