mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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