ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
