The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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