Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
