I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
