Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
