I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
