haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
