he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
